If You're Gonna Cock it, Better Throw It.

"This thing of darkness I Acknowledge mine."
--The Tempest (V, i, 275-276)


The recent trouble with the Russian mini-sub was the subject of a conversation at my favorite neo-con watering hole, The Insensitive Neanderthal, on South Congress (SoCo to the cool hep cats) a couple of nights ago.

Fat Karl wondered why the Russian navy, until recently such a mighty force to be reckoned with, is now unable to unsnag its own subs in just 600 feet of water. "Unless I'm wrong, free divers go that deep." he said. "The Russians have to have the enemy to come and rescue them. The Big Red Machine is now just a floating bucket of bolts where the officers are frequently drunk, sailors go unpaid for a year at a time and cruel hazing sends raw recruits to hospitals routinely. Not so long ago, the top of the line Russian attack submarine shot itself in the crankshaft with a torpedo killing 120 sailors. The torpedoes were ancient in the first place, and hadn’t been rotated out of the tubes for maintenance since they were loaded. The electronics were rusted and faulty. And this is the best they had."

Johnny B chimed in. “It’s not just the Russian Bear whose muzzle is greying . It’s all of Europe with the particular exception of Great Britain. The best French soldiers are foreigners. The Dutch Marines are a joke. You can see them lolling around the beaches of Curacao and Aruba taking smoke breaks while playing beach volleyball in their speedos and giggling like a bunch of homosexualists. The Spanish and Italians? Please. Empty uniforms. The European Armies for the most part are now just generals, admirals and bands.”

“Ya know why this is?” asked Big Stick Dick, speaking softly. "There’s a reason they're not funding the support functions--modern warfare doesn't require it to address the threat. The nukes have given them a false sense of security. Why should they go to the trouble and expense of having a standing army? First of all, Uncle Sugar is there for the heavy lifting (and to pump billions into the economies of Britain, Germany, Italy, Spain) and secondly, if they can’t negotiate their way out of trouble, there is always el nuko grandote. It takes the worry out of being close. No need to pay for a huge army when ya have nukes to settle any serious dispute.”

“So where does that leave us?” Donny wanted to know. “Isn’t it about time to reevaluate the catalogue and rethink the doctrine? I’ve studied these things. The history of warfare is a history of expensive campaigns that require a commitment to logistics, maintenance and expensive lubrication of the combat trains. War is complicated, expensive and technologically sophisticated. Did I mention that it's also very expensive? So how long do we get to go on observing these artificial “rules” which no one else seems to be aware of or care about, while the enemy gets to use a different play book? How long do we go on shouldering the burden of cleaning out the world’s stables using a golden shovel? The primitives don’t have to maintain field hospitals, dust-off choppers, messhalls or a standing million man army. So why do we? Does this make sense?”

“I agree,” said Johnny B. “We need to change the game. It’s time. Instead of making little incremental changes to training and doctrine, we need to make one big one to remind the primitives how the cow ate the cabbage. Forget about a shot clock. Forget about putting in a three point rule. We need to change the shape of the ball and the size of the field. We need to confront the primitives about all these wrongs, slights, injuries and insults they are perpetrating on us. We need to get their attention. We need to nuke the snot out of them. We need to make an announcement that the next outrage that is perpetrated on us will result in the loss of a city to be named later. Tehran maybe. Damascus. Medina.”

Dick knows his history: “The bombs of Hiroshima and Nagasaki played an important part in getting the Japanese to listen to reason. Six weeks earlier in the battle of Okinawa we had lost 12,000 marines and soldiers with three times that many wounded. The Japs lost over a hundred thousand dead. And that was just defending Okinawa, which was really the red-headed stepchild among islands by the Japanese—different language, different history, inferior people and culture etc. And the Japanese 4th graders on the four main islands were being trained with sharpened sticks to repel the Americans invaders during the expected invasion. So what do ya think happened to put the chill on that fanatic and fundamentalist determination sixty years ago?

“Well, I'll remind ya. Two juicy nukes refreshed the parts of the emperor’s attention that other methods couldn’t reach. Five days later they surrendered. We need to remind the primitives of what is really important--preserving our Judeo-Christian way of life and culture, even if that means wiping out the primitives and theirs."

Don said, “You got it, C-man. “If you’re gonna cock it, ya better throw it.”