Cruel and Degrading Pinatas

"By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes."

~~Macbeth (IV, i, 44-45)

A secret source has delivered a sensitive document to Time Magazine in which the savage and cruel torture techniques of Guantánamo Bay are revealed.

The log purports to be the detailed notes of the interrogation and
cruel torture of Mohammed al-Qatani, the rumored 20th Hijacker who
was deported from the US just prior to the events of September 11,
forfeiting a prepaid vacation at Disney World, and later captured on
the battlefields of Afghanistan.

The torture journal describes the inhuman interrogation that al-
Qahtani was subjected to which included being forced to listen to
interminable dance tracks by Christina Aguilera and being made to
dance the funky chicken wearing only Nike running shoes and
the 'tighty whitey' undergarments favored by islamic terrorists.

Also detailed in the secret document is a bizarre torture technique
designed to humiliate the subject and make him the object of
ridicule. The technique requires that the subject be blindfolded and
spun around in circles until he becomes disoriented. The prisoner is
then required to manually position a cardboard cutout article
(in the salty jargon of interrogation it is known as the "tail of the donkey") onto a target (the "donkey") affixed to a wall in the room. While the subject staggers and attempts to complete the mission blindfolded, the observers taunt him, laughing at his clumsy missteps. This bestial torture technique is especially humiliating to moslems to whom the hindquarters of a donkey is considered to be particularly loathsome. It is a canon of islamic faith that all bottoms (and the faces of women) are required to be covered at all times.

A second and equally barbarous torture technique used on Al-Qahtani (You can call him Al) required that he again be blindfolded and disoriented. Once the subject has been "loosened up", he is given a broomstick and required to pummel a paper mache and crepe covered object which has been pre-filled with small trinkets and food and
suspended by rope/pulley mechanism. As the hungry subject flails
about blindly (and often in the wrong direction) with his broomstick in a vain attempt to recover the food, his jailers raise and lower the target by pulling on the rope. As in the first torture method, the observers laugh and taunt him in an effort to degrade him in a humiliating manner in order to get him to cough up the goods.

More on this breaking story to come as our stringers report in..